Riding a train or a bus in the city by adults or children is common today. Commuters drive their cars to a designated parking lot, park their car, and board the train or bus to ride to their jobs or schools. Their trip home is exactly the same, just reversed. It is easy to be lulled by the sameness of it all, thinking of anything but a possible sexual predator or manipulator. Adults and children are caught off guard when a stranger strikes up a conversation, asks personal questions, or sits just a little too closely. Suddenly, they are uncomfortable, but because we are taught to always be gracious and kind, we don’t recognize that we are in a dangerous situation and dealing with a potential predator and manipulator. Parents need to teach their children how to identify a predator and, when it’s necessary, to disregard the “always be nice” rule and prioritize their safety.
How Predators Use Politeness Against Victims
Children are especially vulnerable to tactics used by predators and manipulators, especially when they are alone. Individuals who prey on children wait for an opportunity when the child is alone. Children should not be outside their home by themselves, even for short periods of time. They should walk to and from school and bus stops in groups or with a parent.
Importantly, recognizing potential threats of a predator before they happen can save a person’s life. And we want our children to be safe so it is important to teach them tactics predators may use to get close to them.
Some tactics a predator can use:
- Predators can use charm and niceness to disarm their victims;
- Predators can communicate details about themselves to make them appear more creditable and important;
- Predators might extend unsolicited help to a victim — “Let me help you carry your backpack,” — making them feel obliged to do something for them in return;
- Predators might ask for help with directions, counting on the victim being “too polite” and wanting to take care of the predator’s needs;
- Predators might draw in the victim by initiating a conversation by saying something insulting about the victim that they would otherwise have ignored. As an example “Oh, I bet you’re too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me.”
- Predators might make themselves appear to have things in common with their victims to gain their confidence and let their guard down;
- Predators might make a promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; “Predators might discount the word “NO.”
A child should be taught that it’s okay to NOT be polite to some people, especially if they feel uncomfortable around them. It is also okay to be cautious and skeptical of a stranger. A predator may approach your child on a bus and say, “May I sit next to you?” If the child is polite and says yes, the predator may sit too close to the child and start talking. Teach your child to get up and move to another seat and not to worry about appearing rude.
Manipulating Social Expectations
A predator gains the trust of a child by manipulating him or her into silence or compliance in order to carry out his harmful intentions.
Manipulation targets and controls how someone feels, thinks, and behaves in order for the manipulator to get what they want. While manipulative behavior can come up in everyday situations, exhibiting a pattern of manipulation tactics is a sign of abuse. It gives the manipulator a sense of power and control.
A child can be manipulated into silence or compliance by the predator telling the child, “Let’s keep this a secret.” The molester targets the child who might need the attention of an adult and be more willing to keep a secret in exchange for attention. The child has been manipulated but does not understand that he/she has been manipulated. In order “to be polite,” the potential victim complies with the predator.
To keep their conduct secret, perpetrators coerce and “groom.” As sexual contact escalates, the predator increases the attention and rewards they give to their targets. The perpetrator gradually progresses to engaging in sexualized behaviors, often using threats and intimidation tactics with the child to keep his or her sexual misconduct secret. Keeping silent implicates the targets, making children believe they have been complicit in their own abuse and are responsible for the abuse and are manipulated into silence.
A Culture of Politeness
When you drop your child off at school, you assume that he or she has been taught to be polite and respectful and is safe and protected. Unfortunately, adult sexual misconduct (ASM) can be perpetrated by adults in all job categories within schools (teachers, coaches, substitute teachers, and bus drivers). Students are taught to respect their teachers and always be polite to those in authority. However, predators can exploit your child’s politeness and respect by lulling them into silence about suspected abuse. Teach your children to SPEAK UP if they feel uncomfortable in the presence of an adult in authority at their school and that it is okay to say “NO” loudly and forcibly.
Another environment that may perpetuate a culture of politeness is the church. The last person you would suspect of inappropriate behavior with a child is your priest, pastor, or youth pastor. However, in recent years it was discovered that the Catholic Church and others hid decades of abuse of vulnerable children by priests tasked to protect them. These children (now adults) kept silent about their pain for years for fear of retribution by the church or just because they were told by their perpetrator that they were doing the right thing.
Exploiting Fear of Being Rude
When we are children, we are taught to not be “rude” or “impolite.” Predators have already targeted a vulnerable child and may prey on a victim’s fear of being seen as “rude” or “impolite” as a way to control or manipulate them. A child might then comply with the predator’s sexual requests. Teach your children there is a time and place to BE RUDE and IMPOLITE and it is OKAY if someone makes them feel uncomfortable.
Teaching Kids When NOT to be Polite
Children need to be taught by their parents to prioritize their safety over social expectations. For example, when a predator grooms a child, he builds a trusting relationship to manipulate the child to engage in sexual activities. Grooming is manipulative behavior that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught. “Red flags” for abusive and possibly sexual predator behavior should be taught so your child can recognize potentially dangerous situations. Explain grooming tactics in an age-appropriate manner. RAINN, (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, and says grooming can include:
- Victim selection;
- Gaining access and isolation of the victim;
- Trust development and keeping secrets – giving gifts, and attention, and sharing secrets to make them feel that they have a caring relationship;
- Desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics;
- Attempts by abusers to make their behavior seem natural.
Trusting Their Instincts
A child usually has a feeling when something doesn’t seem right. A parent should teach their children to trust their instincts and speak up if something feels wrong or makes them uncomfortable. Predators can be found in virtually all environments: schools, workplaces, sports, and doctor’s offices. Even though children have been taught to be polite, it’s okay to NOT BE POLITE when their instincts are telling them otherwise.
Being Assertive and Loud
There is an old adage: “Children should be seen and not heard.” However, if your child finds himself or herself in a potentially dangerous situation, teach them “NO, GO, YELL, TELL.” Say no, go (run away), yell as loudly as he or she can (even indoors), and tell a trusted adult what happened immediately. Tell your child to get away from any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Children need to know how to recognize manipulative tactics of predators and then respond assertively and loudly. Tell your children if they feel uncomfortable about the person sitting next to them on the bus, or their youth pastor, soccer coach, or anyone touching them inappropriately, they should get away from them immediately and YELL LOUDLY.
Consequences of Staying Silent
If your child is fearful of saying NO or is unsure about being rude because they were taught to always be polite, teach your child that it is OKAY to say NO and it is okay to NOT be polite. Tell your child that staying silent about the actions of a potential sexual predator could allow the predator to continue their harmful actions and hurt them or others. One reason that the perpetrator is able to groom and exploit the child is because they hold the power in the relationship based on age and experience, size and strength, and adult status. Also, the child has been taught in everyday situations to be polite and respectful, especially to adults. Teach your child that no matter the age of the person making them feel uncomfortable, they need to SPEAK UP and not to worry about being polite!
Coming Forward
Survivors of horrific sexual abuse from two gynecologists exhibited strength and unimaginable bravery to stand up and hold their abusers accountable by exposing them and filing lawsuits in the courts. Dr. David Broadbent, an OB/GYN in Utah, practiced medicine for 47 years. He sexually abused many of his patients, many of whom felt something was “off” during their uncomfortable, often painful exams, but were not certain if what was done to them was medically necessary or normal. Dr. Fabio Ortega, an OB/GYN in Chicago, sexually assaulted hundreds of women. He served time in prison and is currently facing multiple lawsuits.
ROBLOX is a gaming app marketed towards children. Sadly, children can be exploited sexually when they unknowingly become friends with a predator on Roblox. Parents have come forward and filed lawsuits against Roblox, alleging sextortion. The FBI has seen a huge increase in the number of cases involving children and teens being threatened and coerced into sending explicit images online—a crime called sextortion.